“Job dossier: Skyrim Alpha-1.05, 4E 201
Job description: Eliminate the encroaching threat of Alduin the Worldeater, Lord Harkon, and Miraak the Dragonborn
Do: Assist the Stormcloaks, Collect as many Daedric, Dwemer, Akaviri and Dragon Cult artifacts as possible, Help as many people as possible, Cultivate the Thieves’ Guild and College of Winterhold, Work to make Skyrim a more prosperous and happy country
Don’t: Destroy Molag Bal, assassinate the Emperor, Lose your weapons, Destroy the Dark Brotherhood, Die
Assigned Smashers: Marth, Ike, Roy, Link (OoT), Robin,
Notes: Boys, this is a big job. I’m counting on you all to get it done and get it done right. I’ve been able to depend on the first three of you to dispatch dragons with the right amount of discretion and common sense before, and as much as I technically plan for the worst, I have a hard time doing so when, considering your track record, there is no reason for me to expect you to fail. Marth, you’ve been to this universe a few times before, and the ties you have to and the knowledge you have about the legal (and less-legal) systems in the Elder Scrolls universe should come in handy.
Ike, I’ll say this. I’ve been to Skyrim. You’ll fit in well. Marth or Roy, please read this to him.
Roy, I have been looking for a job like this for you for a while. You can use magic in this universe, if my calculations are correct, and I figured you would be up to helping out your friends.
Link, you’ve been a dependable member of this team since we first began and as such I expect you to thrive on any mission I see you fit to do. Your skills will work splendidly in this universe, and the boys really needed someone with a bow to back them up.
Robin, you have experience with undead, world-ending dragon incidents and dark magic. You do not, however, have experience with big assignments. Good luck and don’t disappoint me.
In closing, I’ll add this: the Salesman will be accompanying you all on your trip, but only because he needs to do some other things in this timeline. He will inevitably help you, but don’t expect him to be there every time you need you hands held.
--Signed, Dexter Timaeus.” Marth cleared his throat loudly, startling Ike out of the nap he was beginning to take and snapping Roy’s attention back up from the puzzle cube he was trying to solve for the second time since Marth had walked into the room, crisp new dossier in hand. “Was all of that clear?”
“Clear as the namesake of notoriously unobtainable Pokemon games.” Roy said, cheerfully. Maybe this would be a fun mission. All his friends were going, so why shouldn’t it be?
“Something about a new job, Dexter being chronically impressed by us, blah blah, I got the gist of it.” Ike said, still ready to succumb to his oncoming food coma.
“What are the ‘don’ts, at least?” Marth said, sternly.
“Other than the usual? Destroy Molag Bal, assassinate the Emperor, or destroy the Dark Brotherhood. Am I forgetting anything?” He said, as if he knew anything about the context.
“No, actually.” Marth said, skimming the aforementioned category to double-check. “Very good. I’m going to present this to the other members of our presumptive team, you take a power nap and you get something to eat. I will return shortly, be ready to depart.”
“Bye, Marth.” Ike said, yawning and waving simultaneously as he snuggled sleepily into the soft blanket on the couch. Roy set the puzzle cube down on a copy of The Bardic Treatise, Sixth Edition that he’d been previously reading, the only flat surface on a table populated by all manner of random crap. It must have been Toon Link’s week to tidy the common room. He stretched his arms, himself somewhat groggy from a lazy, breakfast-and-tea-free morning, and sauntered over to the warp to the kitchen. With a flash of light, he was transported into the kitchen for the mundane task of throwing a tupperware container of curry into the microwave.
Meanwhile, Marth had gathered his other teammates into the common room to again recite the contents of the dossier, much to the annoyance of Ike, who buried his face in the couch cushions to try to drown out the austere, almost shrill sound of his friend’s voice. Even with how well-spoken Marth was, his voice had a terribly prepubescent-pop-star quality to it that drove Ike nuts, and the high pitch only got worse when he was angry or flustered. Link was worse about that, but he rarely talked, unlike Marth, who seemed to be infatuated with the sound of his own voice. Why the hell else would he talk so much? Maybe Ike was just grouchy because he was trying to sleep. As the sleepy swordsman loped grumpily off to his room, Robin was already interrogating Dexter with Marth as his proxy.
“What exactly is the Dark Brotherhood? Who or what is Molag Bal? Who or what are the Stormcloaks? What is a--”
“One question at a time, Robin.” Marth said, resisting the urge to put his hand over the mage’s mouth. If anyone talked more than Marth, it was Robin, ever inquisitive of people without answers. “And I don’t know if you know this, but the subjects of the dossier will most certainly make themselves apparent once we arrive. In the event that they don’t, we can always look for answers when we get there. And honestly, I’ve no earthly idea of what half of the things mentioned are. You’d do well to ask Dexter.”
“Fine, fine. I just thought since you’d been there, and all…”
“I was in Morrowind and Cyrodiil to the East and South of Skyrim, respectively, and that was two-hundred-or-so years before this job takes place. The closest I’ve been to the province of Skyrim was the island of Solstheim, in the northwest of Morrowind, over which the two provinces fought. I have little intention of going back there, it’s terribly cold and the Fryse Hags are a bitch to deal with.”
“Okay, I’m gonna pretend like I know what you’re talking about.”
“My point is, I know very little about what we’re in for. All I know is that there’s going to be dragons, and I don’t recall there being dragons in this particular universe.”
“So it’ll be an adventure.” Link said, quietly as always, a look of excitement on his angular face. Marth nodded, looking as aloof as he could whilst feeling every bit as excited as Link looked.
“Indeed it will. Pack warm clothes, Skyrim is very cold. And bring plenty of equipment, this realm is treacherous and unforgiving to say the least.”