Prayer Warriors Episode 1: The Skeptic’s Annotated Science Theatre
Four: *announcer voice* Hello and welcome to episode n of Maxverse Science Theatre! I’m the Doctor, fourth generation.
Ozzy:I’m the Guardian o’ Metal, Ozzy Skul
Zeke: I’m Zeke Halloway, Nerd level OVER NINE THOUSAND!
Zelda: I’m Princess Zelda of Hyrule
Zeke: *Harkinian voice* Hyrule!
Zelda: Shuddup, Zeke.
Edgar: And I’m Edgar Lockwood, Esquire. I lost a bet to Zeke.
Zeke: *Mario voice* Heeere we gooooo!
Chapter One: Being Together The Army
<Zeke: What is happen?! Somebody set up us the bomb!
Zelda: I think someone’s gotten into the glittering spores…
Zelda: That’s not-- that’s not what I meant.>
Believer in Christ: Hello Jesus!
Jesus: Hello my son.
<Four: Hello, sit down and tell me about these voices in your head. Might I inquire about your mother?
Zeke: *spy voice* YOUR MOTHER!
Zelda: *pffft* Ha ha! Oh, grow up, Zeke! Ha ha ha!>
Believer in Christ: Am I saved by writing this story.
<Edgar: Saved from what, intellect?>
Jesus: Yes my son.
Believer in Christ: Good. Now should I go hunt down those Satanists.
Zeke: *Hotel Mario voice* No.>
Jesus: Yes my son.
<Zeke: *Darth Vader voice* Crazy moron, I am your father.>
Disclaimer: I do not own the Bible, God does. I will not feel sorry for using Percy Jackson as it is evil and should not have a disclaimer.
<Zeke: This is illegal, you know.
Zelda: So… by having one, are you a thief? Isn’t that a, what do you call it… err… bad… thing? Sorry, Hylia isn’t a dogmatic bitch goddess like theirs is.
Edgar: I see what you did there.>
Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. -Proverbs 16:18
<Zeke: An hero to the jeebus guise, truly.
Zelda: BEEEEP! Hypocrite alert! Hypocrite alert!>
I am Jerry
<Zeke: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
Four: Jerry, stop trying to preach! You need to go back to making ice cream with Ben!
Zelda: Well, apparently he drowned...>
and I am a prayer warrior.
<Zeke: But what do you strive for?>
I am a servent of the lord and will do anything to get rid of evil Gods
<Edgar: So…. do absolutely nothing at all, since there’s no such thing as deities?>.
Lately the Satanic leader Percy Jackson has taken over much of the land, along with his Satanic Army and his girlfriend whore. She has sex with other people just to get Satanic money
<Ozzy: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days?>.
That means that I have to get an army together of Christians, so that we can defeat the servents of Satan, and defeat his evil puppets, the false greek gods, who are in fact a lie created by Satan to poison people`s mind.
<Ozzy: I have like ten different songs stuck in my head now.>
Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them,
<Four: Then don’t follow them! If they keep putting up traps, they probably don’t want you around!>
after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise. – Deuteronomy 12:30 <Four: Oh, come on now, everyone knows that book was the worst in the series. The characters sucked eggs, and the plotline was hardly believable. It read like a rule book written by some guy allergic to shellfish.>
"Hello my fellow Christian" I told Mary, who is named after Jesus`s Mother.
<Zeke: *Silly Russian accent* Greetings, comrade!
Four: In Soviet Russia, bad story writes you!> I and her are not dating,
<Edgar: do you even grammar?>
if you Satanic scum think that there is something Satanic going on.
<Ozzy: New drinking game: Every time Jerry says anything about Satan, do a shot. You’ll prob’ly wake up in a bathtub. Or the hospital.
Four: Or both!>
We are dating, but we are not having Sex until we get married.
<Zelda: Cool story, bro.
Edgar: Why is “sex” capitalized?>
But because we are 15, it means that it is going to be while before we do such a thing.
"Yes Jerry, how are you. Have you been doing the lord`s biddings?"
<Four: How many biddings?>
she asked me. I nodded my head and then she took out the bible and we read the first Chapter of Genesis, which is about the the creation of the world.
<Edgar: This has already been established. Literally, to some.
Zelda: Are they just starting to read the damn thing?> We talk about how God was so good that he was kind to create a great world as we live in.
<Edgar: A typical outlook for a brainwashed first-world illiterate who’s entirely unaware of anything outside of his congregation.
Zeke: *Ganon CD-I voice* Burn!>
He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. -Proverbs 18:13 <Zelda: Look who’s talkin’, dodongo-brain.>
Then we discuss about how Satan had poisoned the world by inventing false gods such as Zeus and Venus, who were sex gods, which is against the Ten commandments.
<Edgar: You dolt! Zeus is a thunder god, everyone knows that!
Zeke: Well, he is prone to Kirking…
Edgar: He’s still not a sex god.>
"I need an Army to defeat the evil leader Percy Jackson" I asked her.
<Edgar: That’s not a question.
Zeke: CALL THE ARMY AND STUFF!>
I wanted an army so that I could defeat this Satanist and his ungodly army.
<Zelda: What, his summer camp buddies? Pfft, I could kick his pansy ass any day. Waterbreathing? And a pen sword? Hell, just call up a Zora and give him some crayons or someshit.>
This is America which is a Christian nation,
<Zeke: *Lex Luthor voice* WRONG! Treaty of Tripoli, bitch! Nowhere in the constitution or bill of rights does it say anything about any religion, aside from separating church and state. Just because it’s the majority, doesn’t mean it’s policy.>
so Satanist, athesit,
<Edgar: How ironic that most of the people who give negative connotations to “atheist” don't even know how to spell it.>
hindu, muslims, buddhist, and any other non-god fearing people,
<Zelda: Why should people fear god if he’s so benevolent?
Edgar: Therein lies the fallacy, Yahweh is not benevolent.
Zelda: Exactly my point. This ain’t my first cucco ride, kid.>
who worshiped false gods, should not be allowed in this God fearing Nation.
<Edgar: Let me spell this out very simply: Muslims. Worship. Yahweh. As in, your “One true god.” They simply call him a different name. You might as well spew hate to Central America, South America and Spain for worshipping Dios.
Ozzy: But Dio is awesome!>
We must get rid of them, and make them slaves, if they agree to being a fellow Christian.
<Four: Wait, WHAT!? Wait, actually, that’s what they’re supposed to do, according to the--
Zeke: The enclosed instruction book!
Four: Yes, yes, that. That one by that guy named Matt or something like that.>
Once they truly believe in God and his son, Jesus, then would we release them to bring glory to God and his son. If they still did not believe, we would burn then, just as their fellow Satanist did when they refused to worship our lord Jesus Christ.
<Four: And what do we burn apart from witches?!
Zeke: MORE WITCHES!>
"I want to bring Glory to God"
<Zeke: Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Skull Throne! RAWR!
Ozzy: Speakin' of which, I need about ten more skulls so I can finish mine.
Zeke: You're actually making...? Wait, why am I surprised about this?
Ozzy: So if anyone's got any cool skulls lyin' around, send me a few.
Edgar: Well, in case I don't make it through this terrible fanfiction, there's a cougar skull I've been using as a bookend that you can have.
Ozzy: *grinning* I love you Edgar...>
Their bows also shall dash the young men to pieces; and they shall have no pity on the fruit of the womb; their eyes shall not spare children.-Isaiah 13:18
<Four: So… abortions by sword? HERESY! BLASPHEMY! SPARTA!
Zeke: HA HAHAHA!Ha hah ha ha *snort* hahaha! Heh hee, ahh. I see what you did there.>
"Then I will show you my Christian friends. You will not find a ungodly one among them. There are as clean as you can get them"
<Four: BOY FOR SALE! BOY FOR SALE! SIXPENCE A DAY TO CLEAN YOUR HOUSE AND WASH YOUR CLOTHES! BOY FOR SALE! CLEAN AS YOU CAN GET! BOOOOY FOR SAAAAALE!> she told me. She had a her hair tied back so that it would not get in her
<Zeke and Ozzy: THATSWHATSHESAID!>
and not look like a Satanic whore. She also made sure that her skirt did not show any of her legs, or else it would be a sin for a man such as myself to look at it.
<Four: Her skirt or her legs?
Ozzy: That’d mean one’a two things: She’s either a helluva dame, or tha’s one helluva fuckin’ skirt.>
And that was when I got message that a follower of the Satanic leader Percy Jackson.
<Edgar: That a follower of Percy Jackson… What?
Zeke: I used to finish my sentences, but then I took…
Four: He accidentally the whole thing, obviously.>
He was there to force people in believing in false gods that made their followers get naked and perform Satanic killings
<Zelda: That sounds awful.
Edgar: That sounds incredibly unlikely.
Ozzy: That sounds wikkid fuckin’ epic!
Four: That sounds incredibly amusing, so long as they didn’t actually hurt anyone.
Zeke: That sounds like YouTube GOLD.>
Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness. -Leviticus 18:19
<Ozzy: What if it’s just a picture of a naked chick?
Edgar: What if you’re performing an operation on her?
Four: What if her clothes had been covered in napalm, and she had to remove them to avoid being burned alive? Oh, wait… Never mind.>
But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die. -Deuteronomy 18:20
<Zeke: *CDi Ganon voice* Or else you will DIE!>
So I went down stair to face the false prophet.
<Edgar: There’s only one stair?
Zeke: I find your lack of stairs… disturbing.>
He was a believer in false nature gods, such as Pan, who is Satan in disguise.
<Ozzy: Whoa, he's got a really shitty disguise.
Zeke: Spoiler alert!>
He had big Satanic horns, so that everyone that was Christian could tell that he was a Satanist.
<Four: Hold on, is he a satanist or is he satan? I’m confused.
Zelda: He’s horny, that’s all we know.
Ozzy: AHAHAHAHAAA! oh, tha’s great.>
"Believe in my god Pan" said the Satyr. "I am Grover and I am servent of Pan and Satan, who are great gods. They are better then God and Jesus"
<Edgar: Then god and jesus what? then what did they do? Finish your damnable sentences, idiot!
Four: *Sesame Street Grover Voice* Hello dere! I’m here to teach you kids about Satan! *gesticulating* He’s a biiiig-- ha ha ha haaa! Ha, oh dear, I can’t even… Hee… heh heh… ah.>
He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed. -Exodus 22:20
<Zeke: It goes something like this: Ka-BOOOOOOM! I’mma Firin’ mah Judgement! BWAAAAAARGH! MMMM! DIE! BAMZ! MMMM! YOU MUST DIE!>
So to defeat this Satanic scum, me, Mary and one of her Christian friends that was there, her name was Ruth, prayed to God and our lord Jesus Christ, to bring down this false prophet.
<Edgar: And while you were distracted, they went away so they could carry on with their lives without a bunch of mad cultists trying to kill them. They joined the witness protection programme, moved to Newark, New Jersey, and lived contentedly after for approximately 75 to 80 years each. The end.>
And behold, a group of locus came from the heavens and ate Grover alive. No part of his body, other then his guts and his brains, was left. No even his bones remained.
<Zeke: *Mortal Kombat announcer voice* FLAWLESS VICTORY.
Edgar: They left the COMPLETELY EDIBLE internal organs but ate indigestible bones.
Four: Did they leave the brain as a trophy or something? I’d put that in a jar, maybe parade around with it some. Gloat. Something along those lines.>
And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the land of Egypt for the locusts, that they may come up upon the land of Egypt, and eat every herb of the land, even all that the hail hath left. -Exodus 10:12
<Zelda: Cool-eth gospel, Broseph of Nazareth.>
So we brought glory to God. We killed a sheep so that we can say thanks to God.
<Zeke: Wait, isn't that what the Satanists are supposed to do?
Zelda: PETA's heads would explode.
Ozzy: But wouldn't it be great if PETA n' Jerry just finished each other off?...
Four: You are cordially invited to the Socially Retarded Cult of Yahweh and Son’s annual WHAT IN THE BULL-FUCKING HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM Bar-Be-Cue. No alcohol allowed. Wear only burqas and magic underwear. baptisms mandatory. Curfew is 5:00 PM. BYOB.>
Then we went back church and prayed some more.
<Zeke: *TF2 Heavy Voice* BWAAAHAHAHAAA! PRRRAY SUMMOAR! AHAHAHAAAA!>
We read the Bible and how Paul convert many people to God.
<Zelda: Skipping around, are we?>
Then Mary`s friends came and we made them members of the Order of the Prayer Warriors.
Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished. -Isaiah 13:16
<Four: Is that your initiation process!?
Zelda: I wouldn’t put it past ‘em…>
Believers in Christ: Thank you for read this and I hope you have turn to the glory of God and his eternal son Jesus Christ, the greatest thing to ever happen to this earth. May all that read this be save.
<Zeke: A public service announcement from the BeanBean Demonslayer Council. The less you know
Zelda: Conglaturation, a stupid psychopath is you.>
Jesus: You done me well son.
<Zeke: Son, I am disappoint.
Zelda: Mmmhm, you know you done did me well, son! Mmhm, I had told y’all he was fi’nn’a do well, and what happened? Exactly what I said would happen. *snaps fingers*>
Believer in Christ: Thank you my lord for giving me live and allow me to write this. Amen.